Hello. I’d Like to Pitch My AFL Workplace Sitcom.

I was looking forward to Saturday night. I’d had a tough week. I was dealing with situations. Some profoundly stressful, upsetting situations. But Saturday was going to be good. My winless Carlton Blues were going to break the duck against North Melbourne, another club trying to play football.

In retrospect, it seems that aligning my esteem with the performance of a football club I have no control over was a mistake, a mistake I tend to repeat. After three quarters, it seemed that the football club had decided to coordinate itself with the other factors in my life and fuck with my systems of happiness.

In the spirit of self-care, I elected not to watch the last quarter. The problem is, I had intended to write about this particular football game. A game where the captain pulled out seconds before the opening bounce, to be replaced by Nick Graham, a player I thought the Blues had delisted two seasons ago. I did not return to the game. I do not know the final score.

Instead, during the fourth quarter I conceived of a TV show (with an episode-by-episode breakdown). This is that pitch. I believe you have to create happiness in your life if none is forthcoming.

Proposed title: “Credit To The Boys”
Executive produced by Kentaro Sakata
Written by Kentaro Sakata
Directed by Kentaro Sakata

I play ‘Kentaro Sakata’, the brand new media manager for Carlton, a football club that is a football club the same way a jellyfish is a fish. As the football department collapses into incompetence, I am challenged by the chaos of social media.

-PILOT EPISODE: I have to ghostwrite a Reddit AMA for Matthew Lobbe. The authenticity of the event is questioned when Lobbe’s Instagram stories clearly place him at the Royal Children’s Hospital visiting sick kids at the time of the AMA.

-I get confused switching between Instagram profiles and accidentally slide into a swimsuit model’s DMs with the official club account. I hastily arrange club-sponsored posts on her Instagram to cover my mistake.

-The internet erupts into Google Translate fever at Liam Jones’ new entire-back tattoo – a 3500 character screed in Mandarin he got on holiday that may have allusions to Men’s Rights Activism and/or working conditions at an iPhone factory.

-I hire kids off Instagram to paint a mural of Carlton player Aaron Mullett on Lygon Street. Several thousand dollars later, I try to sell promote the imperfect art piece as a mural of Cam O’Shea.

-I have to coordinate a rehab photo shoot for Sam Docherty. Things get complicated when I excitedly insist he perform a backflip for SnapChat and he hears a ‘pop’.

-A Reddit sleuth tries to blackmail the club. She has discovered Carlton’s controversial new shorts are produced by a factory owned by prospective free agent Tom Lynch. I am tasked with negotiating her demands.

-Things get complicated when a Patrick Cripps post-surgery selfie from Germany shows an IV drip that may violate ASADA code.

-Brendon Bolton storms out of a press conference after an unexpected bladder mishap. No one knows. The media team debates if it is better to keep his ill-tempered image or out him as incontinent.

-SEASON FINALE: I get into a social network war with the Collingwood media manager on Twitter. Meanwhile, Carlton play Collingwood to a dull and meaningless contest. I reflect on the value of content cycles in the absence of quality football.

Note: Carlton were defeated by North Melbourne 116 to 30. Nick Graham collected 12 disposals as an inside midfielder.

Kentaro Sakata’s regular football writing will continue in a fortnight.